horoscopes, 12-12-08

December 12, 2008

Aquarius: You will be confronted by large burly men with fetishes involving cottage cheese. Don’t turn them away without quickly investigating whether they know anything about your rare, yet subtle, body odor problem. Avoid stairs with missing steps.

Pisces: While you may not be the chicken of the sea, you certainly will be the butt of a cruel office prank today. Keep a rifle handy. Also, don’t forget to turn the oven on before leaving home today.

Aries: One word…phylactery. You will discover an ancient Sumerian rite involving pickles and the body of your dead aunt Cloyce. Make a point to get a box of rubber gloves before head out for your Hopscotch Anonymous meeting.

Taurus: A commercial venture will fall in your lap today. Say no. It will only lead to heartbreak, as well as ankle, wrist, pelvic and liverbreak. Investing in walrus rehabilitation clinics will prove to be morally deplorable.

Gemini: Yes, you do have a long lost twin. What do you think that over-large and hideous mole is.

Cancer: Umbrellas may prove fatal today, especially if you decide to stay indoors or within feet of the TV. Your pastor was right about masturbation making you blind, although you can more likely base this on poor hand-eye coordination.

Leo: The number four and the name “Mack” will have particular significance for you today. No need to cross both ways before crossing that busy highway: the world is moving out of the way for you. Promise.

Virgo: When your significant other mentioned that the two of you should make more friends, they were not talking about people. And by significant other, I mean your coat rack. Leaving your house is a bad idea today. And most other days.

Libra: For all your knowledge about plant life, gelatin, and hair spray, you have yet to develop a hair gel made only from CFCs and mesquite bark. Your overzealous attitude regarding patent laws and panda bears will alert authorities to what you keep hidden in your basement. Throw an open house in the spirit of transparency. Hide your bobble-head collection.

Scorpio: It is said you are driven by your desires and your sex drive is insurmountable. Don’t let that stop you from going for that big promotion. It’s important to remember to wear pants today.

Sagittarius: What once would have been a charming past time is now a danger to your health. Leave the children alone, they don’t need your help sticking forks into light sockets.

Capricorn: You will dial a wrong number twelve times today. One of these will be your true love, and its probably number 6. Don’t be afraid to give your number to them, even if they are from Ralph’s Roadkill Emporium. Also, it might be time to expand your palette.


  1. lol, did you make this up yourself?

  2. Yes.

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