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grammar a la cell phone

August 19, 2008

To the masses of cell phone users,

Before, I have complained about receiving random text messages from service providers, offering free ringtones and the like, which annoyed the living daylights out of me. Now, I have a new pet peeve, and it is the common cell phone user.

Please don’t be offended. I should proceed further comment by saying that it is likely not you I am speaking to. However, those of you who text message often and as a primary form of communication, be advised, it is still important you be able to construct a complete sentence in a text message.

“Wat?” you say. “R u jk? I have ben spelling 4 years & have no prob with txt Y u get bitchy” Why? Because your spelling reminds me of the prostitutes from Full Metal Jacket. And I’m not even talking about spelling, you nitwit. It is one thing to leave out a letter or two (though that is debatable as to its own merit), but to not even make a complete sentence so others can understand you is atrocious.

A word of warning: Before you send your next text message, read it out loud to yourself. Really listen to how it sounds from word to word. If you think you might have to add a couple more letter or words to make it clear, please do so. Be sure to read it just like your punctuation indicates, which is likely in one long string of words with no breaks (r u fucking jk me u suck i hate you wat time you wanna meet dinner). If you find that no punctuation really gets away in getting your point across, please add those marks. If you suddenly wonder if you have become a toddler again, or if you might have developed some sort of injury or impairment, please don’t send your text. You will be clearer if you just call the person and mumble or drool your way through the next few sentences. At least then they will be able to understand that you can’t help only having half a frontal lobe.

I can not underestimate the importance of this task. The comprehension of the world rests on your slightly slumping and probably unlevel shoulders.

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2 comments

  1. No kidding? I have had students submit bits of text speech to me in their papers for a grade. Can you believe it?


  2. Good Post! I love your comparison to the prostitutes. I also dislike those people who have to have the last word no matter what. I say bye after they do then they send another good night. If i send a smiley back they send another one it is really kind of irksome. Don’t you think?



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