cheating againJune 12, 2008
Lifting this from Mrs. Chili. It’s fun. And go read her blog.
The Rules: Bold the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. Sarcastic comments in parenthesis are encouraged.
1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. (90% of life is showing up.)
2. Tell if someone is lying. (Well, okay, only on occasion. I tend to hover on the side of disbelief anyway.)
3. Take a photo. (Oh, the joy of Point and Shoot cameras.)
4. Score a baseball game. (When I was younger, I used to have to keep the books for local little league. Completely different perception of the game, and you get legitimate reasons to call refs out.)
5. Name a book that matters. (Cliche as it sounds, I’m gonna say anything Orwellian. Grotesque as they are, an ounce of cynical skepticism is worth a pound of change.)
6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible.
7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill. (I just boiled hot dogs, then seared them in hot sauce. Tasty!)
8. Not monopolize the conversation. (Aww, do I hafta?)
9. Write a letter. (I had a friend that would write me occasionally. It is a great joy. I should do it more often.)
10. Buy a suit. (I’ve purchased two tuxedos, rented two tuxedos, and purchased one suit in my life. It’s an easy skill to master if you don’t have to ever do it alone.)
11. Swim three different strokes. (I don’t so much swim as not drown for prolonged periods.)
12. Show respect without being a suck-up. (The older I get, the more I lean on honesty.)
13. Throw a punch. (I don’t know if I could, but I know how to put an elbow in a throat pretty quick.)
14. Chop down a tree.
15. Calculate square footage. (And by footage, I mean actual feet.)
16. Tie a bow tie. (I prefer to leave the work to the pros on this one.)
17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. (When you are just trying to get lots of people drunk, you don’t work with formulae.)
18. Speak a foreign language. (I guess that depends on if you think “music” is a different language.)
19. Approach a woman/man out of his/her league. (“People are just people, they shouldn’t make you nervous.)
20. Sew a button. (Passable. I have some shit jobs that have held for years, so…yeah.)
21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. (Really? This is a usable skill?)
22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it. (Again, Mamacita’s answer: “Bad grammar merits no attention.”) (Ew.)
23. Be loyal. (Unquestionably.)(Again, as I get older the more important this seems.)
24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. (I’m not even sure what the hell this means..)
25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. (I have hit my thumb a few times.)
26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. (Starting fishing and continuing to fish are different things.)
27. Play gin with an old guy. (Hells, yeah!)
28. Play go fish with a kid. (I’m more for old maid, actually, but the concept is the same.)
29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. (Better yet: Understand quantum physics enough to know this is impossible.)
30. Feign interest. (Isn’t that what having kids between the ages of talking and driving is?)
31. Make a bed. (If I must…)
32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. (If you can do this, you really aren’t talking about wine.)
33. Hit a jump shot in pool.
34. Dress a wound. (If I have to, I’m sure I could. As long as nothing is sticking out.)
35. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil. (I’ll get electrocuted. I’ll get my jeans dirty. It feels weird.)
36. Make three different bets at a craps table. (Huh?)
37. Shuffle a deck of cards. (Only on Wednesdays.)
38. Tell a joke. (Only if it’s bawdy.)
39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack.
40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he/she will hear.
41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. (It’s all about manners.)(And turn on that smile.)
42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. (I guess so. It really depends on if you’re holding food or something else it wants.)
43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. (This is what phone books are for.)
44. Ask for help. (How would you survive if you didn’t?)
45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist. (How much breaking are we talking here?)
46. Tell a woman’s dress size. (What exactly am I telling the dress size?)
47. Recite one poem from memory. (Despite my better inclinations, no, actually.)
48. Remove a stain. (Ice water, baby!)
49. Say no. (It’s my gut reaction.)
50. Fry an egg sunny-side up.
51. Build a campfire.
52. Step into a job no one wants to do. (You learn to do what needs doing.)
53. Sometimes, kick some ass. (If only I had more opportunities.)
54. Break up a fight. (Not a physical one, but I did bring an elderly man down from a rage directed at me.)
55. Point to the north at any time.
56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. (It’s a game, really.)
57. Explain what a light-year is.
58. Avoid boredom. (I do okay.)
59. Write a thank-you note. (That reminds me.)
60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. (Vandoren reeds will always be on my saxophone.)
61. Cook bacon. (With minimal injuries even.)
62. Hold a baby. (I’ve gotten better in recent years.)
63. Deliver a eulogy. (I could do it, but worry that I’d be too honest.)
64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. (Never more succinctly put.)
65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. (I throw a ball like a girl.)
66. Throw a football with a tight spiral. (I can barely hold one of these.)
67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably. (What’s a jump shot?)
68. Find his/her way out of the woods if lost. (I would like to think I could do okay.)
69. Tie a knot. (How do you think I keep my shoes on my feet?)
70. Shake hands. (If you have a dead-fish handshake, you should be slapped with one.)
71. Iron a shirt. (I can, but I’d rather toss it in the dryer with a damp towel.)
72. Stock an emergency bag for the car. (I should do this.)
73. Caress a woman’s neck. (Men and women are the same in this fashion.)
74. Know some birds. (You don’t spend time with my grandfather and not get some bird knowledge.)
75. Negotiate a better price (Start lower than you’d reasonably expect to pay. That way, if they don’t take your offer, you can still negotiate. Start too high, and you’ll still pay too much.)