December 11, 2007

Currently, there is a war in the blood vessels in my head. I’m bashing the outside, trying to make the throbbing stop, but the combatants inside have no problem pushing against tissue wall after tissue wall, trying to break barriers and brain matter. I’m thinking at any moment, I’m gonna have to call a metalurgist so I can give birth to Athena. Not that that would be a welcome outcome of this. I think that would be rather messy.

Seems somewhere along the way I heard that tasting pennies or smelling smoke for no reason meant you were about to have a stroke. I’m smacking my lips, trying to test the theory, in a half-worry. I’m not loosing balance, I’m not loosing motor control, and I don’t think I’m slurring my speech. There are no halos in my sight, but I’m wondering when they will start. They have happened once.

I’ve never had a surgery and never suffered a major illness. I’ve had flus that normally debilitate for a whole week only stop by in me for a day. I’ve completely avoided the cold season multiple years. I slept off tonsillitis. Because of all this, I’m constantly in a state of worry that, at any moment, its all gonna give. I’m gonna roll over one morning onto a suddenly broken arm or weeping sore that developed over night.

I run to the doctor at the stupidest stuff. When going through my depression in college, I didn’t even allow the weight of things to kill me slowly before admitting that maybe a little pill would be good. Didn’t even give it the old college try, as it were. Instead, I decided to immediately jump on an anti-depressant so I could say I was managing the problem myself, thank you.

The darker truth of things is that I hope, just a little, for even the smallest major illness. Just a little meningitis, just a touch of E. coli or food poisoning. Nothing big. Nothing lethal. I imagine there is some need to get the attention of the sick in my human brain, but at the same time, I wonder if I need verification that I’m a human at all. I’ve only scrapped my knees a couple times in my life, and never suffered the dreadful painful acne of youth that so many of my friends were blessed with. It was kinda cool thinking that I was a little bit crazy, now that I was on knock-off prozac.

Though, honestly, I should just shut up and be thankful.

*addendum: I know some of the people that read this have suffered serious, real medical issues. I don’t mean to trivialize your lives. I honor you for the trouble you’ve survived, and sometimes, just wish I was as strong.*



  1. I don’t have anything profound or helpful to say here; I just wanted you to know that I’m reading…

  2. You are strang in other areas of your life. Things just balance out and the Powers that be are just gracious enough to give you a break in the health area. 🙂

  3. Dude. That’s Athena. Not Hera.

  4. Also, could be a migraine. Maybe.

    But WebMD.com says that all roads don’t lead to Rome, they lead to cancer.

  5. Hehe. What doesn’t lead to cancer? Even putting your shoes on too many times I’m sure has been linked to cancer.

    As for you there D, Your starting to worry me dude. Don’t do anything stupid like slash wrists, beat your head against the wall or jump out the window. If you feel the need, eat that prozac as if it came from a PEZ dispenser!

    Ok, scratch that, probably not helpful advice at all …

  6. Wow…attention asked, attention granted…

    Really, I’m not that doing so bad as all that, but I did have the most monster headache this morning that had lasted since six pm the day before, and it made me think of all this, somehow. Also, it was 6.30 in the morning. Groggy, pained, and cold = sounding whiney

    Glad you guys are all reading!

    And I’m gonna correct the bad reference as C pointed out.

  7. *hugs* Sorry I’ve been a slacker reading, been busy. I agree with some of the others, sounds like a migrane. Migranes SUCK, light and sound are like friggen torture.

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