concert tonight!December 4, 2007
I’m trying not to work myself into a tizzy, but it may be that it can’t be helped.
Tonight is my first concert. Wait, scratch that. Tonight, is the kids first concert this year. I guess that’s more accurate. It is about the kids after all.
The typical way that things should work tonight looks much like the silly follow-the-leader games I played as a kid. Since our band has a set up of four rows, each row will follow the other in, consecutively, will wait till all are there, then will sit, and wait for me to approach the podium. I worry about this. Granted, we’ve not gone through that part of things, but I’m more worried about the basic principles of shutting up when people are watching you.
I’m praying to many many gods that these kids are going to be suddenly immersed into fear when they see the big black audience, a mass of people draped in the shadows of our auditorium, friends and family alike. I’m praying that these kids will try to spot even one person out amongst the crowd and will become fearful when they first see a face they don’t recognize. I’m hoping they won’t talk at all. Perhaps it is too much to ask junior high kids to be attentive and not talk, but I’m worried I’ll be very embarrassed if they don’t.
I’m worried that they won’t perform to the level they could, but then again, I suppose that’s the way it will be for the rest of my life, and that stresses me out to a very vast and empty extent. I’m a natural perfectionist, but even beyond that, I keep high expectations for others around me. I suppose it works like this:
I want them to do their best.
I want to succeed myself.
I worry that if they don’t behave and do well, I’m a failure.
I have an anxiety attack.
*crosses fingers* I’m hoping and praying that it won’t get to that point. I’m gonna do my best to put it out of my mind for now, because there is nothing I can do about it if they don’t do all that well. We’ll evaluate the situation, make changes, and attempt to do better next semester.