brain warping

October 24, 2007

Do you ever lose sleep? I do.

There was a time in my life, not so far back, when I swore up and down to myself that I would not be the kind of American employee who took my job to bed with me, and who would not share my dream time with anything but beautiful slumber. Unfortunately, I chose to have a job anyway, so I now lose sleep.

This last night, I dreamed of long classes full of chaos and fury, dressed up like Kandinsky paintings: bold lines cutting my view, blocks of color where students once were, and all I could think was “will this end?”

Yesterday was a hard day at school. One of those defining days where first years teachers sit back and think “wow, I don’t know if this is what I want to do oh well” and plug on through the day. After trying to keep my anger in check and letting the patience drive the car, trying not to be a pushover, trying not to be a hard-nose, trying not to just throw up my arms and leave, I found that the students still won’t do what I want them to do. Maybe that’s the problem: I’m trying to make them do anything.

And the one time I try to give them buy in, it blows up in my face, as my boss won’t let me play the piece of music the students wanted to play. So there I stand, on the box in front of the room, forcing them into three pieces of music they don’t like, watching them flounder over concepts they don’t understand, and try to hold my own head together.

But last night, during my sleep, it didn’t hold, and it flew apart like a fractal equation or a super-massive black hole: too calculated, too good at what it is capable of doing to remain in one piece.

So here I sit, typing out the first blog that isn’t fiction or poetry in over a month (I think) and think this might be an auspicious start to NaBloPoMo. But, on the other hand, this might be the very push I need to get to grad school.



  1. It’s not November yet.

    But not to knock your theory, but sometimes grad school gives me bad dreams too.

  2. You can’t POSSIBLY have thought that you’d be able to teach and to NOT have anxiety-ridden teacher dreams. Come ON, now!!

  3. Chili, you aren’t helping…Send soothing teacher vibes my way…also, send a stick. A large stick.

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