hoist the sailsMay 17, 2007
Guess who has a shiny new laptop! This guy! Oh my, yes. I have a spanky new Dell Inspiron laptop. She has arrived on schedule, and is quite sea-worthy, best my eyes can tell. So, I have christened her with a bottle of the best Chablis, and set her a-sail under the moniker The Ivory Coin. Why that name in particular? Well, its sorta an inside joke that I suppose I could let you in on. Since you’re nice, and all.
First, however, I should digress a bit. Lately, I made mention of a couple of friends in something like nicknames. They do not go by these names in real-life, except for The Girl. She is the girl in our entourage, and so often we refer to her as simply “girl.” So, for all intents and purposes here, she will forthwith be known as The Girl. Also, my roommate, who can’t leave the house without a hat, even the blast of summer. Thus, Roommate has been offically changed to The Hatted One. And his cousin, who joins up on excursion occasionally, will be called Mancer, because he has a mild obsession with Necromancers when we game. As in, he can’t not be one in some way. It’s very odd.
Now that I’ve made the completely unnecessary and somewhat childish point, I’ll continue with the tale.
Mancer, Girl, and Hatted One have been friends for many many years. And in those many years, there have been a number of jokes that got passed around. One included a series of emails where Girl and Mancer started pretend businesses that worked to undermine each other at every turn. It was an exercise in Corporate Sabotage at the linguistic level.
Mancer’s company was known as Quik-Lich, Inc., where he assumed the guise of Malhavoc Two-skeletons. Here is a sample memo from Quik-Lich:
As always, we here at Quik-Lich wish to reach out to new customer bases far and wide! Thus, we have engineered new and exciting breakthroughs in our products, and can now offer a completely new range of undead and undeath supplies made specially for those with sea-faring needs!
Quik-Crew (TM): Avast, mateys! Tired of those petty worries like food, rest, and pay for the pirates under your sails? Run out the long nines and hoist the anchor with our new line of undead buchaneers! They’re obedient and cheap, and for an extra fee, they’ll laugh at all your lame pirate jokes! Contact us now for a quick and timely Crew Conversion Kit! *
Skele-Pult (TM): New undead arsenal system, custom-made to fit your ship! No more broken masts and leaky hulls on your floating trophies. Skeleton projectiles quickly and efficiently Indoctrinate enemy crew, and the weapons reload themselves! * Try the system free for 30 days!
These are just two of the many fine products now offered at Quik-Lich. As always, see our representatives nearest you * * and don’t forget about our other wonderful package deals for scurrvy land-lovers everywhere!
Malhavoc Two-Skeletons, C.E.O. of Quik-Lich Inc.
* Results may vary. Quik-Lich is not responsible for angered gods of death, brain/skin loss, or sexual dysfunction.
* * Customers with souls only, please. Addititonal charges (firstborn, specific limb) may apply. Quik-Lich is not responsible for spontaneous Indoctrination of potential customers. All Rights Reserved.
Of course, I now have to show you a copy of one of Girl’s memorandi, where she poses as Inara Bloodclaw of Fliblish Draconius, Ltd.:
To whom it may concern:
We here at Fliblish Draconius Ltd. are proud to announce an exciting new change in our business. Due to a sudden surplus of our more space consuming products, we are merging with our business partners, The Ruby Cove, and moving to a larger, more secure location. While we regret that this move may slightly inconvenience any prospective customers, it will ensure that you, our faithful patrons, will receive higher quality services at a lower price. Please note that during our transition phase, you will have to speak the phrase “Draconius Cove” into the communication links we provided for you, along with the usual identity verifications, in order to reach us. When our new headquarters are fully established, you will each be contacted individually with your new passcodes and identifiers in order to assure the continued privacy of your business transactions.
Since our merger requires us to restructure our business, we will no longer fit under the “Limited” (Ltd.) regulations. We will, however, continue under the name “Fliblish Draconius” for ease in future business transactions.
Also, we wish to reassure all of you who are considering joining the ranks of our highly satisfied customers that we continue to offer transportation to and from your initial purchasing appointment, should you pass our screening process. If you are interested and would like to learn more about our superb line of products, please feel free to drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. We will be glad to answer any and all questions you may have.
With all that said, it is our most sincere wish that all of you are prospering in the new business year, and that you will call on us soon to take advantage of our lowest prices to date.
Founder of Fliblish Draconius
Product Management Supervisor, Draconius Cove
Oh, yay…fun of this! I was of course participating after a while, and I was Captain Renfield of the Ivory Coin. Unfortunately, my ship was blown asunder by an errant crew member who was in fact a zombie. Turns out, he was also a bomb. So my play in this little game was short lived, but that is why my new toy is named The Ivory Coin. In memorium, I suppose.