h1

motivation

May 15, 2007

I believe the words are “sense of accomplishment.”

As I stepped off the podium after conducting the Wind Ensemble, I certainly felt a sense of accomplishment. I felt like a real conductor. I feel like everything I’ve done this semester has been worth it. I feel very done. What a way to end!

Oh, if you were wondering, the piece I conducted was “Barnum & Bailey’s Favorites” by Karl King. It’s a fun little circus march that moves at a pretty good clip toward the end. The kids seemed to like it well enough, even though I didn’t really ask them. They did a great job regardless!

But this is the virtual close to my student teaching. I don’t go tomorrow or Friday, but I do go in on thursday to help with an audition at all the schools. It should be a painless process, even though we are trying some 450 kids out for a band for the next year. We have a good idea, but the formality of it bids us actually do the audition so it seems fair. I suppose to be honest, it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair at all because we will be going into this audition already knowing who we want where. It’s not the sort of thing I’m normally for, but when you face this one audition up against the work they have demonstrated all year long, its a good process.

Anyway, leaving this semseter, all graduated and stuff, I do feel like I’ve accomplished something. I feel like I have learned quite a bit, though I still don’t know if this is what I want to do with my life. There have been many many things that I’ve truly enjoyed this whole time, like seeing the finally brightened eyes of a student who “gets it” or seeing a student just having a good time with a piece of music. However, while such moments might be the bread of this profession, a man cannot live on bread alone, especially when it requires him to eat bread all the time, for very long hours. Of course, one could argue that any profession that is worth doing is worth doing quite a lot of, or that teaching is a very time-consuming thing to make sure you do it right. However, I am not the sort of person who can do anything for very long. Perhaps I have too much sugar in my diet, or too much caffeine, or perhaps I’m just this side of an antsy-pants kid, but I rarely get through one blog posting without checking all email accounts, reading a blog, checking my facebook and seeing who’s online at least three times. I can’t sit still.

This is what makes me jealous of people like M.M., a girl I went to college with. She took some college music courses as a senior in high school. She came in and got her performance degree in two years (daunting, to say the least, though she is an amazing flautist), then moved to New York to be her hippie self or something, taking jobs such as teaching fourth graders in the Bronx or sequencing scorpion DNA. Those are the stories I heard at least. I saw her today, and she hasn’t exactly been starving either, if you get me. She’s not fat, but her face is nice and full, happy. She looks a little weathered, and all accounts make it sound like this is the sort of thing she was meant to do, and she’s contented.

I want contented, but I don’t know I am motivated enough to be contented with teaching. Oh geez, there are so many factors into my inability to accept that I could teach and still do all the sweet things I want to do. The biggest of these is impatience.

For instance, I’ve been trying to get hired for a job somewhere (anywhere) and have had no luck so far. It’s the middle of May. It is still early to be hiring new teachers. However, I still want to know that, now I’m a college graduate with an actual degree and stuff, that I will have somewhere to go come August that will let me use my five years of learnin’ for something beyond setting up chairs or selling valve oil. Or teaching some 1C junior high in Boondocks, USA for the mere sake of saying that I’ve paid my dues and worked the shit job just so I could get some experience. There are no dues to be paid, granted, but I don’t want to feel like I have to pay them.

I want a job I like, with people I like, in a place that I can enjoy and still get to screw around with all my little side projects and my role-play. I want to be able to soak myself in a place without feeling soggy.

So here’s the deal. I’m gonna get a job. I’m gonna either get a teaching job, or I”m gonna make The Hatted One (the roommate) or the Girl (our friend) move with me somewhere spectacular where we can all learn to live in a big city and learn the finer qualities of walking everywhere.

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3 comments

  1. I wanna come!


  2. For obvious reasons, it would be truly wonderful if society did not idealize the “starved” look. I wish that I was able to stand apart and tell you that I was not a victim of this monster of image. But, alas, I am guilty of tears before the mirror and self-deprecating comparisons. So, to see a stranger’s description confirm my destructive inner voice that already has quite enough influence from society was upsetting. Even if such a description was necessary on your blog, would it have not been kind to disguise my name or not use my full name? Jealousy is obviously misplaced when you only know rumors of another person and see them from a distance. But, then again, jealously is always misplaced, for it is a useless drain of energy.


  3. My apologies. Very inconsiderate of me. Not my intentions. Best to you.



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