copingJanuary 23, 2007
There I was, sitting in the middle of my peers, listening to my virtuoso professor blare through an amazing program with great music. He’s phenomenal. I’m proud to have learned from him. The last couple weeks have been a sign that I’ve learned much, yet have so far to go. I quietly seethe at my own short-comings, quietly rejoice in those of my peers, who I’ve previously thought to be far better prepared for teaching.
Every day is a new lesson regarding my patience or severity, knowledge or willingness to learn, ability to stay in control or allow the students to pick their own pace. It’s difficult to say the least. More than one class, I’ve thought that I would be better suited to work fast food, and pray for the 45 minutes to be over. It’s never as long as I wish it were, because we have so much to do, yet it is so long that i often wonder if I won’t just completely cave and send both students to the office without proper reason.
And through all this uncertainty, I feel I am doing much better than I could be, and I have moments where I think that I’m doing the right things, both for me and the kids. I’m trying. Giving it the proper amount of elbow grease. I feel like I’m a teacher.
After school today, I found myself discussing with Meghann (the other student teacher) all of these things. And, because of our commonalities, we started discussing how tired we were of being on campus, around the people that was holding us down so many days. The drama, the impatience, the near incestual relationships that were formed and broken and reformed like badly set bones. Of course, she being her, and me being myself, we had two completely different views on how to handle such environments. For her, she’s the one who shrugs it all off and gets on with her life. I’m the isolationist, the brooder. The opposite of her.
Tonight, sitting in the recital hall amongst all the people I’ve come to despise because of circumstance, I felt the old pangs of wanting to crawl under my blankets and just not move. It’s a feeling I can’t quite diminish without lots of time or distraction or distance. Luckily, I’m not on campus that much, and I’ll be damned if I show up for anything after Meghann’s recital (out of obligation). Probably give half of them the finger once I graduate.
How am I supposed to deal with working with these people for the rest of my life? Well, perhaps I won’t.