January 17, 2007

I am a gun. Though not sleek black nor rough gripped. I have no magazine in my body, and I don’t have a serial number stamped on me somewhere. However, i do have a trigger and when it is pulled, I fire.

I never realized how dangerous those triggers are. Yesterday, I let one be toyed with, and found myself experiencing a chill and shiver that rocked my rib cage, convulsions that make nearly anything impossible. All i could do was stare in horror and anticipation at my computer screen and huddle before the heater, trying to take good breathes. Concentration can take the edge off, but it cannot control it. Only when the finger is off the trigger. Only then.

This isn’t about that, though. This is about Yes.

I’m learning about how to accept that this moment and this moment and this moment will pass. They will pass and then are no more, and what you have left isn’t worth complaining about. Success is here one moment and gone the next. People fade into the background. All you can do is keep walking forward, and hope that you’re truly doing the right thing light of the universe. I am learning this to some extent. My recital is Sunday, and as nervous as I could be, and probably am (but not admitting), I know that every measure will pass, and its done, and nothing can redo it. All I can do is my best, and let it be at that.

But sometimes, my trigger gets pulled.

It’s very hard to say Yes to the universe when you are racked with spasms that originate at years back, rolling forward into self-made psychoses that I’ve not been able to control in two and a half years. Triggers that work like Pavlov’s Beel. Triggers that are hair-triggers. But I know that Universe is Yes, and I know that nothing that happens is something from a force that can be changed or challenged, and all I can do is my best. But what is my best? What is good for me? Do I even begin to understand what that would be, given the light of the Universe? My mind can only reach into so many corners before it starts running out of eyes.

Do you know what is best for you? Can you know? What i do with this moment, is it okay to be doing it?

These questions plague me from moment to moment. I am told to sit back and enjoy, but my brain, though it knows to let it pass, simply will not let something fall away. It must question. Perhaps it is because I am young and don’t know any better. Perhaps its because I’m not doing what is truly right for me, but can’t put it in the conscious mind yet. Though I resolve to figure it out, I know that life will present the opportunity to figure it out too. Postulating doesn’t work here, I think.



  1. And not only are we going to figure out it ourselves, but in our own diminished ways we helpd others find their path as well.

  2. wow

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