black day

November 19, 2006

So tomorrow happens now…

My mother has this great counseling option in her company’s insurance plan. It’s 24/7 and they will speak to local professionals and get sessions set up for you. Since I felt I needed to call them last night around 2am, this has been a blessing.

Reason: because all the old triggers of my supposed (though not actually diagnosed) depression have suddenly decided to click pretty much all at once. Luckily, there have been no full-on break downs, but that’s sorta waiting in the wings, I think.

Naturally, I rant and rave, both to myself and aloud, about every little things that tears me apart inside. Also, just as easily, this is the way I get most of my poetry written. Granted, most of it turns out kinda…introspective, which doesn’t always make for good publishing quality. And since I rarely (meaning never) go back and edit any of that stuff, I have a bunch of notebooks full of sappy, sorry-for-myself and violent poetry collecting in mounds.

Luckily, I have some friends that understand some of my needs regarding these times. Granted, I don’t talk to them about it, but when I say I need “screamy music,” they understand, and so we have screamy music time. I talked to Adam about how some music brings out certain emotions, because we need to experience those emotions. I was glad and surprised he agreed. I thought I was alone.

So, hopefully, in the next few days/weeks, I won’t kill anyone, and I will be fine. Luckily, I get to spend time with family this next week, which may be good or bad. We’ll see.

Love to ya and yours…

PS– Have I mentioned that my cousin is going to Oral Roberts University for ministry work…



  1. Depression is such an illusive and, therefore, difficult thing. I am lucky to not have inhereted it from anywhere – I know it runs HEAVY on my maternal side – but I know many, many people who suffer from its effects.

    My own experience from this side of the disease tells me that you’re lucky to have friends who understand and can provide you with whatever succor they can, however slight that might be. I’m also glad that you’re getting help. Again, experience has taught me that many people with depression – too many, really – believe it when people tell them that it’s just a phase they’re going through – a low spot, a rut – and that they can just snap out of it if they change their attitude. Um, it doesn’t work that way, and your being proactive about your disease is, quite literally, half the battle (beacuse it IS a disease, one from which you could no more snap out of than from, say, a broken elbow).

    Any support you can get from over here is willingly offered!

    Be well,

    -Mrs. Chili

  2. *smile* Thanks, Mrs. Chili. Its good to know that someone knows a little about stuff. And you help me. I like that.

  3. *Hugs* Hun I really wish I could be there. I so need to call you. Must find that sticky note again! Oy. Will I ever stay organized?

  4. I really should read your blogs before I reply to emails.

    *hug* Call me this week.

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